I was raised by a stressor. Literally, my mom stressed everything, even things she didn’t need to stress, well things I felt she didn’t need to stress. For instance, my mom would complain to me about money, and then send me to the bank to pull money out for her, and of course I would see her receipt and just shake my head. You broke with commas in your account balance? Double digits, above 15 before the comma yet I barely got $5 to my name! I’d be hot because I’d ask for money and she’d tell me no, she’s broke and whole entire time I’m like -_-. But because of the way she stressed everything (work and anything involving life) she created that in me.
I didn’t have the best childhood, I was raped and molested as a child, I was forced to hold that in as a secret until I was about 18. Going through life, I learned how to keep secrets and keep them well. But as a child not knowing how to effectively handle stress, not knowing how to effectively speak to people and not knowing how to think before reacting, it’s created the adult I am now. It’s safe to say I am a stress bottling overachiever, who is sensitive and don’t take well to rejection or negative feedback.
My upbringing ruins relationships in my life, and what people don’t understand is, not knowing how I was, was wrong until I was well into my 20s will have anyone met with resistance when you say I need to change my ways. While my life is pretty decent, it could probably be better, but I wouldn’t be where I am if I wasn’t the way that I was. Fear of the unknown is what stops me from taking in the positive suggestions and feedback people give me. Their suggestions could very well work, but it could not. I just am weary of who I listen to, because if you aren’t doing better than me, don’t tell me, how to do me.
Anyway, I’ve always been protective of my energy and spirits around me. In ‘97, my mom had purchased a condo. I remember this so vividly. She was making up my bed, and I remember picking things up off the floor. I looked into the living room and saw my grandfather who had died in ‘94. Facing him, I saw a white wing, my left – his right, he had on a white robe that covered him head to toe. I saw only the right side of him (my left). I remember looking away to call my mom, and when I looked back he was gone.
Later on I began to experience episodes where I would get stuck in my dreams. I could feel myself kicking, trying to scream out for help, but until that dream was done, I was stuck. It would be the same two dreams – 1. I was crucified on a cross similar to Jesus or 2. Trying to escape my sexual violators but being captured and tortured anyway. Into my teen years, I began researching other methods of healing myself. I was still holding on to the molestation, and it had begun to take over my being. Thus the introduction to meditation and therapeutic remedies. For me it was music, and seeing a therapist on a regular, but I wasn’t being real with myself. I was only handling the surface hurt, the hurt everyone could see.
It wasn’t until age 24 I began searching deeper into truly healing myself. I looked into ways to cleanse your energy, remove negative toxins from you and your home. I had been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and was given pills to help deal. It’s not the approach I wanted, but it was necessary to get me back to being ok. Once there, I’d wean myself off and continue with what works. As time progresses, I have looked even further, with just trying to put positivity into the universe so that positivity comes back to me. Continuing with my home rituals as well as new ones. 2017 I am taking care of my mental, because without it, you’re dead.
Below are links to rituals, I use. I am in no means a specialist in this field. What works for me may not work for you, so be sure to do your own research, carefully. Hopefully, it can give you an idea of where to start. I hope this helps.
1.White Sage Ritual
2.Spring Aura Cleansing
4.Meditating to overcome Anxiety
And if you have apple music – this is one of my favorite meditation albums to listen to while I do my sage ritual or meditating, Serenity Sleep Music. Enjoy.